Hi! My name is Izzy and I’m six years old. I’m writing today to tell you about a great opportunity I recently heard about at one of my Girl Scout meetings. Oh, and my dad is making me say that he’s “co-authoring” this with me but apparently that means that I get to write the whole blasted thing while he sits on the sofa and watches football. It’s so unfair being six.
The other day when I went to Girl Scouts there were a bunch of girls talking really excitedly. Ever curious, I joined in and it seems that this year we’re going to be selling cookies! I must admit that when I started doing this whole scouting thing I had no idea we were in for something like this. Can you believe that for the price of just $3.50 a box you’ll get cookies delivered to your home or workplace? That’s the best thing since the printing press! (My dad made me put that in. I’m more of a Kindle girl myself.) I think it goes without saying that I’m extremely excited about this wonderful opportunity to bring cookies into your life this year.
Now you may, at this point, be saying to yourself, “But I already have plenty of cookies at home already. Why would I buy more?” And, as an average American you probably do have plenty of cookies. Cookies are an endemic and perennially popular part of our culture. Looking at one type of cookie alone, there have been over 491 billion pounds of Oreos sold in the past century. Americans love cookies. However, need I remind you that these aren’t just ANY cookies. These are Girl Scout cookies. Accept no substitutes. Statistics show that Girl Scout cookies are 33 times more satisfying than ordinary cookies.
So in closing, I’d like to ask that when you sit down to calculate your cookie budget for the month that you give careful consideration to the possibility that you might throw a couple simoleons my way. Order forms are available at my Dad’s work and my Mom’s as well. Don’t be afraid to put yourself down for 10 or 20 or even 100 boxes. We have a vast distribution network that will assure rapid and accurate delivery of your order no matter how large. We guarantee 100% satisfaction and that you’ll enjoy our cookies at least 33 times more** than those ordinary cookies you might buy in the store.
** Guarantee of enjoyment void in Rhode Island. Consumers should keep in mind that enjoyment is a non-measurable entity and that statistics cited in this advertisement are totally made up.