Bad Books of the Week for 3/26/2016

This week’s batch of bad books is truly a waste of internet.
Best Damn Sex Jokes Ever!: Jokes Free, Jokes for Adults, Jokes 2016, Funny Jokes (Jokes, Jokes for Adults, best jokes 2016, best jokes, jokes 2016) Kindle Edition
by Johnathon Jacobs (Author)

I’ve never encountered a book of any sort that’s quite in this format. It looks huge in the reader but the real contents are pretty small.

The jokes are translated into languages ranging from Afrikaans to Zulu. However there are only 30 different jokes all of which I could find on the internet. Further, the translation is pretty poorly done. For example, if you look at Latin the language is very clearly not Latin. So I assume that a machine translation service was used.

On the whole, the jokes aren’t bad, it’s just that there’s precious little content for any one reader when compared to the size of the file and the price asked. Fairly strong avoid.

I Like to Read Books (Adventures in Everyday Life Book 1) Kindle Edition
by Jason Anderson (Author)

The figure you see on the front cover appears on every page. In fact, that exact same image appears on all 15 pages, unchanged, unmoved but with different backgrounds except that he changes his shirt color from red to green and back again. In the last frame he adopts a slightly different pose as he plays a guitar.

Backgrounds are all clearly inspired by The Simpsons but the only recognizable character which appears is Moe.

I’d be exceptionally disappointed if I had paid money for this little bit of literature.

Life These Days: With Family And Friends Kindle Edition
by Ronald McClure (Author)

* First off, the concept seems…. well, only interesting to a VERY select group of people. Maybe the author and a few people around him, but let’s give it a fair shot.

* Page 1: A photo of fixing a door. And all the comments from family/friends about said photo. It’s not transcribed mind you, it’s just screen captures of the Facebook posts glued into each page.

* Page 2: “We woke up WHITE! Just thought you’d like to know!” – yeah well, everyone in this book is pretty white, let me tell you.

* Page 3: Photo of an unidentified interior of a building. Can’t tell if it’s a bar or a house. Photos are all black and white and VERY small so even if this was interesting, it wouldn’t be.

* Page 4/5: Merry Christmas greetings, the author and wife in Christmas hats. Lots of one-liner Christmas greetings exchanged.

* A few pages on we get an album of apparent vacation photos. No indication of where they are though. Grand Canyon maybe? Seems like something better posted on Flickr or some sort of… oh, I dunno, photo service?

* Couple pages further… picture of a relative holding a cup of soda in some unidentified diner.

* A few more pages further we are treated to a sampling of a Facebook messenger chat with someone else who is unidentified and his importance is entirely unknown.

OK, enough of that. While I appreciate what a pain in the butt it must have been to put this together, I fail to see the need for this there is in the world. The only people who could be remotely interested in this are already Facebook friends with the author. So while by all means I applaud the desire to capture and document the past, I see absolutely no reason to try to sell copies of it online.

Memes: Badass Memes Humor Unlimited (Funny Memes) Kindle Edition
by Memes (Author)

Pages and pages of memes that we’ve all seen before.

One picture per page, nothing terribly entertaining though a couple are slightly more entertaining than staring directly into the sun.

Billionaire Romance: Marrying a Billionaire: (New Adult Romance) Kindle Edition
by jvr publishing (Author)

Wow. Writing is SO poor. I don’t even have to turn from the first page to find a dozen textual issues. Verbatim quotes below:

“Ellie was so desperate to get married a rich man…”

“Joe is her closest friend who secretly in love with her…”

“Is marrying a billionaire man is the only chance for a woman who is desperate…”

“Angry clouds roared in the form of lightening…”

“After waiting for half an hour and no hard to find a ride…”

It doesn’t really matter what the subject matter is; if the writing is THIS poor then all bets are off as far as I’m concerned.

Move or Die: Paranormal Ghost Stories

As usual I didn’t pay anything for this book but I’ll still be abundantly blunt below.

The nutshell on this one is that it’s a collection of four short stories (about 25 minutes total reading time) that focus on the rather grizzly paranormal. You’ve got some zombies, a poltergeist and an impish carnivorous spirit.

To the positive, the author covers a wide range of villains and portrays them very well. The book is solidly written and the stories move along at an extremely rapid pace.

To the negative, the whole thing lacks depth. Considering the reading time the price on Amazon is outrageously high. These are less stories than the are very small vignettes into particularly gruesome situations. It’s as if they were dashed off in a day and sent to publication. They’re so short that there’s no time for any real tension to build for the reader.

In summary, there’s potential for this author but this particular collection seems a bit small to be sold on its own.

Movies: Bathing Franky byHenri Szeps

I picked this because it was unreviewed on Amazon. I’m glad I did, though more than a bit surprised along the way…

This is a strong example of an old standard. An older man and his demented mother meet up with a young ex-con. The two generations connect and learn something from each other and they’re both better off. Saying anything more would be spoilerific so I’ll shush on plot points.

To the positive, the characters are wonderfully likable. The older gentleman is nostalgic and funny and full of life. His mother, despite her issues, still has quite a spark in her. The younger, despite being an ex-con is eager to learn and swiftly comes around. Things get extremely weird, dark and “real” at the end in a very satisfying way. All is not as it seems.

To the negative,the middle bits seem far too easy as the characters slide into happiness, but it’s only a trick. Hang on until the end.

In summary, a cute and potently dark movie with series of huge twists. Can’t say I expected ANY Of that.

******
*** I started this review out as a minute-by-minute rundown of the action but it started to get interesting so I ended up actually watching it. That says something… anyway, original rundown for posterity

1:00 – Dude in flipflops flying a kite. Maybe wearing a clown nose? Unrelated dude leaving a building. Maybe prison?

2:30 – Looks a lot like two old people having sex. Really they’re just helping each other go to the toilet.

3:00 – Prison dude flashing back to some prison scarification scene… and now he’s making out with a girl. Um.

3:30 – a profound number of things in this movie are purple. Shirts, sheets.

3:45 – Now he’s having sex with the girl but…. she calls it off and yells at him . not clear why.

4:30 – Prison dude now filling out a form… ok, yes, he was getting out or prison. Going to work delivering meals to people.

6:00 – Back to the clown. He’s in his yard entertaining some kids. Prison dude delivering meals to him. Clown tries to chat him up but he resists at first…. starting to come together. I think this might just be a keeper….

Reviews: Smartbrain (Penchant Series Book 1) by G. F. Smith

As is often the case, I received this book for the purposes of review. Despite that immense kindness, I give my candid thoughts below.

The summary on this one is tough because it evolves quite a bit as it goes on. It starts out mildly creepy techno thriller and ends somewhere completely different with all manner of action bits. I won’t give you much more detail than that to avoid spoilers.

So to the positive, our author is a reasonably good writer. His prose is measured, well constructed and easily consumed. His characters are real and vividly described and you do begin to feel for them. Mr. Smith’s creativity is also obvious as he puts his characters through a dizzying gauntlet of situations and one is left with a sort of whiplash once all is revealed.

The negatives, however, left me gasping in annoyance at the end. This book is exceptionally long and not because of the complexity of what’s going on. His description of events and situations is almost Dickensian in scope but with none of the quaintness of the old classics. One eventually has to skim in self-defense and at the end of a couple pages finds that nothing much has really been missed. Further, the book changes gears dramatically at 37% through (based on my Kindle’s reckoning) and it takes a long time to figure out what’s real and what’s not. This is, I suspect, part of the author’s intent, to keep us a bit confused as readers, but it’s a major distraction in a book that has a lot of difficulty holding the attention of its reader.

Further, some of the book’s most obvious points are in need of a close examination. The cover alone made me fear for the quality of the book and it took considerable reading time to assuage those fears. Unfortunately, the author’s choice of proper nouns is overly simplistic and almost young adult so they add a major distraction. The name of the device, for example: Smartbrain seems like something from a 60s B-movie. Add to that names like Vectren, Athena and ‘Brain Computer Interface’ and the tone of the whole book seems to be in a bit of conflict about whether it’s trying to be mid-20th century or more modern.

In summary, I think the author has a solid foundation for this story but it just tries to go too many places at once and takes far too long to get there. I packaged away my incredulity during the first third of book only to have it all spill out repeatedly in the last two-thirds and have to be packed away again. As much story as actually resides between these pages it could be half the length and cause me much less impulse to sigh, “What? You mean there’s MORE!?!??!” and consider hurling my Kindle across the room and taking a belt of whiskey. To quote Emperor Joseph II, there are simply too many notes… or something along those lines.

Narita Express by Mimi Wong

I picked this little splat of a book up because it was lonely and unreviewed on Kindle Unlimited. Despite the joy of a free book, I’m candid below.

The snapshot on this one is that it’s the story of a pair of star-crossed lovers as they meet for a long weekend together. The action only covers a few days and is about a 20-minute read if you’re leisurely about it.

To the positive side, the author paints a good picture of how these two characters are feeling and the situation that brought them to these straits. The man meets the woman with great anticipation and frankly, lust, and the story unfolds as they both realize the price they’ll have to pay for this time together. I wouldn’t call it emotional but it is a very emotionally deep piece.

The only real negative, and it’s a negative which depends to great extent what it is you’re looking for in a 20-minute read, is that anything which can be called is action is entirely internal. There’s no excitement or dramatic event, it’s just a rather slow dawning of realization.

In summary, this is a solid bit of writing but you have to be in the right mindset for it. It’s the sort of tidbit you might suggest to your mate as a “let’s read and then discuss” piece on a quiet night staying in when the kids are away at grandmas.

Life These Days: With Family And Friends Kindle Edition by Ronald McClure

I picked this up on Kindle Unlimited because it hadn’t been reviewed before. Let’s take a look!

* First off, the concept seems…. well, only interesting to a VERY select group of people. Maybe the author and a few people around him, but let’s give it a fair shot.

* Page 1: A photo of fixing a door. And all the comments from family/friends about said photo. It’s not transcribed mind you, it’s just screen captures of the Facebook posts glued into each page.

* Page 2: “We woke up WHITE! Just thought you’d like to know!” – yeah well, everyone in this book is pretty white, let me tell you.

* Page 3: Photo of an unidentified interior of a building. Can’t tell if it’s a bar or a house. Photos are all black and white and VERY small so even if this was interesting, it wouldn’t be.

* Page 4/5: Merry Christmas greetings, the author and wife in Christmas hats. Lots of one-liner Christmas greetings exchanged.

* A few pages on we get an album of apparent vacation photos. No indication of where they are though. Grand Canyon maybe? Seems like something better posted on Flickr or some sort of… oh, I dunno, photo service?

* Couple pages further… picture of a relative holding a cup of soda in some unidentified diner.

* A few more pages further we are treated to a sampling of a Facebook messenger chat with someone else who is unidentified and his importance is entirely unknown.

OK, enough of that. While I appreciate what a pain in the butt it must have been to put this together, I fail to see the need for this there is in the world. The only people who could be remotely interested in this are already Facebook friends with the author. So while by all means I applaud the desire to capture and document the past, I see absolutely no reason to try to sell copies of it online.

Books: How To Be Happy: My Child – My Friend by Helena Angel

As is often the case, I received this book free for the purposes of review. This time because it’s on offer from Amazon for exactly nothing until March 24th of 2016.

The nutshell on this book is pretty simple. It’s a brief (20 minute) parenting book that boils down pretty easily to the idea that parenting should be about letting your children, within bounds, be free to figure out who they are and what they should become as adults.

To the positive, at a high level the book is reasonably correct in its assertions. It cautions strongly against the twin parenting issues of trying to live your child’s life for them and that overly passive parenting style in which the TV does most of the child rearing. The intentions of the book are positive and strong and would benefit some of society’s most extreme parents.

Unfortunately, there’s much to be said to the negative. Firstly, the title is misleading and starts things out on a poor footing. Children should not be looked upon as friends. The active and sometimes corrective relationship that defines good parenting is not compatible with the concept of friendship as commonly used in America. Also, while the book is well intentioned, I’m not sure that the majority of parents are going to glean anything new from it. Those on the edges will find something new to them but most parents already know what do to be at least this good at parenting. They just choose not to do it.

From a technical and writing perspective, the book is a bit of a shambles. It’s littered with typographical and grammar issues and the formatting is wobbly at best. The author has invested in some stock photos that do serve to break things up a bit but it falls pretty short of professional. If I had paid money for this book (anything over a buck) then I’d be fairly cranky about it.

In summary, there’s some good, but basic, parenting information in this little guide and it’s not a complete waste of time but it could use some tidying up and doesn’t go much into depth. It merely skims across the surface of this very important topic.

 

—
Rob Slaven

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Interview with Jonathan R. Rose, author of the new horror novel Carrion

My Video Skype interview with Jonathan R. Rose, author of the grimmest book I’ve read in a while, Carrion, a post-apocalyptic zombie scenario told from the perspective of the zombie.

He talks at length about the aspects of his home in Mexico that made their way into the book and his deeper message in the book about what it really means to be human…

Sade Evans: She will kill to be happy. by Tonne Odom

As usual I received this book free for the purposes of review. Also as usual I’m completely candid about it below.

The nutshell on this book is fairly straightforward. Our antagonist feels that society has scorned her so she’s going to bloody well kill everyone around her that she thinks gets in her way.

To the positive, I will say that the author brings us some truly authentic Black voices. The dialog is keenly dialed in to the cultural vernacular that you tend to hear from the Black community. While this is not “proper English” to some I find it quite refreshing that these words aren’t sanitized before they’re put on the page.

To the negative, however, there is very little else of redeeming value. The writing is exceptionally poor and error-filled. While I give the dialog a pass because it represents the cultural environment of the characters, everything not between quotes lacks continuity and is exceptionally short and choppy. The author fails to establish basic facts about the characters let alone prove them so every event leaves the reader with a dangling, “why…?” when trying to piece together motives and meaning. From a narrative perspective, the entire story is beyond even the tiniest bit of credibility. Characters act in ways completely contrary to their roles and plot points are almost entirely nonsensical.

In summary, while the style of this book has some potential as an authentic voice of the Black community, everything else about it needs a lot of work. Everything from continuity to character to plot seem to fail on some level. I encourage the author to keep at it as there’s great soul here but the execution is far too weak.

—
Rob Slaven

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Planet Of The Eggs: Mummified Egg

As is often the case, I received book free in exchange for a review. Despite that kindness I’m utterly candid below.

First of all, spoiler alert. The heroes are spat out of a mysterious vortex, find and nearly defeat a mummy though rather mysterious and nonsensical plot points and then get sucked into another vortex. That about sums it up.

To the positive, the author is wonderfully unfettered by the bounds of conventionality. Further, the illustrations are rich and colorful. I say illustrations, they appear to be photos cut out and arranged over each other to create the graphical components.

To the negative, my 10-year-old daughter looked at it and refused to have anything to do with it. Given that the target age range is 8-18 this seems a pretty grim condemnation. If I had paid money for this I would be pretty annoyed. The plot is weak and essentially follows the same lines as a few hundred identical books including the previous two. The particular details of the plot are bizarrely confusing as the eggs travel without legs and obtain whatever items happen to be needed out of nowhere. I understand that it’s intended to be a children’s book but even children need connected series of events to make sense of the action.

To sum up, my kids were EXTREMELY unimpressed. It’s obvious the authors have put a great deal of work into this book but it seems that the execution is almost rushed and never quite came together.

—
Rob Slaven
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